New things

These are the doofsa, underwater creatures similar to fish.





Wystan's drawing of the boys

Asmund is writing Doctor who fan fiction. The Doctor and his companion go into the Pinky and the Brain universe, where Brain has made a skyscraper to enslave all humans, and the Doctor explains that he needs to stop trying to take over the world.

Asmund, "MOM! Raedan pee'd on my FACE!"
Wystan, "What did it taste like?"
Asmund, "Like corn, salted too much."

Asmund wants to invite a handful of friends. A six year old handful of friends. And only four friends fit in his room. If his hand was giant, his hand would be as big as his room. And if he was a giant, his hand would fit four people.

Dear Raedan,
No, the apple (cabbage, train, egg) is not a "baeball", and no, the fork (pen, train track, book) is not a "baeball" bat. Please go back to carefully dumping and refilling your piggy bank.

"Raedan, you're terrorizing everyone in the family!"
"Taint tou, Mom." (Thank you, Mom.)

Asmund, "Dad took Wystan to the bathroom. Will you snuggle with me?"
"Sure, but you'll need to scoot over."
(After situating ourselves) "Wow Mom, you're much bigger than before. You're as big as Dad! Well, almost as big as Dad."

Asmund, swinging, "I'm going to give the BEST underdogs to my children."
"When are you having children?"
"About two months. Maybe four."
"Hum, how about twenty years?"
"Okay."

At dinner: Asmund, "We're all set for our candlelight supper! Who wants to start prayering?"

A, "What is this music?"
Me, "It's called The Barber of Seville."
A, "Ah. Is that a Disney movie?"

Me: "Is mom happy?"
A: "Well, she is not a hopping on the floor, hugging and kissing everyone kind of happy. She is a kind of slow happy."

A: "That was a house dog back there. House dogs can come and go from their house as they like. They don't even need a map. That's why some people teach their dogs to read, so they can find their way home."

"Mom, is this dangerous?"
"Hum, probably not. Why don't you try it and see?"
In the end, he decided against going down the slide backwards and went headfirst instead.

Wystan, "I am a ghost expert. Ghosts are live blankets, and you only can see them at night. They say 'Ooooooo'. But they are not real."

My kids say "you're welcome" in the best ways. For example,
Me, "Thanks for being my shopping helper, Wystan."
Wy, "My pleasure!"
or,
Me, "Thanks for making the chicken grit, Asmund."
A, "Well, I do what I can. "

Wystan is unhappy with his body. He wants to be red.

Dennis: "Why did you have your legos taken away today?"
Wy: "Bad luck."

Asmund thinks our globe stinks because it's color coded by country rather than continent.

Wystan wants a diamond ring for his birthday.

Asmund: "Having a Mommy day means having a treat. And getting those pops out of my back was a real treat."

"Dahn Henme, Dahn Henme, DAHN HENME IS PAHFOR MAHN!"
It's pretty cute when Raedan sings "Let it Go", but "John Henry" is my current favorite.

W: "Do you know what I want for my birthday? A movie theatre, a shooting star, a butterfly, and a baby lego set."

Carrie: Off for a day of celebrating my delightful five year old! Wystan loves to tell people, "I 'uprised Mommy's heart", and he did--my jovial baby.

Food Chain

Asmund, "Mom, lets make a picture of a food chain. We'll start with plants, then vegetarians, then meat eaters, then, at the top, the BIGGEST one--vultures!"
(Because vultures eat dead lions.)

"How are you almost five years old?!"
Wystan, "Birthdays."

Asmund, with missing front teeth: "My daddy teeth are coming in."
In bed, in the middle of the night:
"Aum

aum
aum."
Me: "Are you meditating?"
A: "Put you' aum under my head."

Science Day

A: "Mom, I picked out me and Wystan's clothes for science. Um, Mom, do I look like Bill Nye?"

June 2015 through September 2015

Parenting is spending an hour and a half, nightly, trying to convince a tiny human that sleep isn't going to kill them.

A: "Mom, can we get that Bill Nye space movie? And when we have friends we are "dating" we can watch it together."
"What do you mean, "dating"?
"You know, when we have a play date."

Whew

Who needs chiropractors when you have kids who think it's fun to grab onto you from behind and swing until your back pops against the chair?

A: "Mom, this morning I want you to teach me about time, magic, science, and inventing!" 
We're settling for time, facts about the moon and a youtube about inventors.

Raedan is super disappointed that the box of pads he found wasn't a box of cookies.

Asmund's message to a friend turning seven, "Where does love come from? From the inside of you. It is a kind of pain." 

Things we've said to Raedan in the last hour: 
"Please ask me before you start eating butter."
"Don't throw eggs at Wystan's head!"
"Please don't sit on Asmund's face."
"WHY ARE YOU PEEING ON ME?!?!!"

Asmund commented on two NPR stories today. First about a martian meteorite that crashed in India in 1865, and the second on Syrian refugees trying to escape to Europe. The first story brought about a conversation about dinosaurs and weather, the second prompted contemplation on what war means to civilian populations, how it would feel to have your house blown up, and the Chronicles of Narnia. I loved hearing him make connections.

Salt crystal experiment #1 was a flop. On to #2! Wystan is over the moon.

Disappear Man has a brother, but he's a bad guy, so Wystan crushed him and turned him into a plate. 
Also, the chickens have lasers on their heads.

Asmund, " Mom, do you have a really high fever like Timmy in that story where his mom gets help from rats?"
"No, Babe, I have a low fever. I'll probably feel better tomorrow."
"Good. I'm glad you won't die. Then we'd have a step mother like Cinderella. " (shudder)
Love you too, kid.

Overheard in the Etzel house this evening:

W: "Mom, I want to eat all the snot in your nose."

Dennis: "DON'T KISS YOUR BROTHER'S BUTT!"

W: "I need one hundred water plus ten. I have hiccups."

At bedtime, Asmund nonchalantly informed me that when his eyes pop out, he is going to replace them with robotic eyes that can zoom in so that he has super vision. 
Um, baby, please don't pop out your eyes.

Wystan is going to make a time machine when he's grown up and a scientist, so that he can see Dodos. 
Asmund is going to make a movie machine, so that you can turn on PBS or Netflix, pause when the character you wish was real is on screen, and use the machine to open a portal to bring the character to life.

Asmund: "Wystan, there's an owl in this story! And it's really smart like you!"

Carrie, in the kitchen: "There is no counter space!"
Raedan (2 yrs old): "Daddy did it!"

Wystan: "I don't need to hold your hand in the parking lot, Mom. I know how to hold Disappear Man's hand."

When you have a four year old, sweet songs like, "Thomasina,come along with me now" become "Penisina, I have a 'uprise for you."

Wystan says to me, "Mom, Asmund is my best brother, and I love him even when I'm mad." Whew.

We relaxed the no phones at dinner rule for Crusher Ninja (Wystan) to call Disappear Man to let him know that we're having lasagna for dinner. Disappear Man doesn't like lasagna, and this led to a tiff. Crusher Ninja loves lasagna, but he also eats metal, drinks ice water, and has a parachute.

The seasons according to Asmund:
Winter
Christmas 
Summer 
Super Summer 
Autumn

HOW do kids have this much energy!?! Dennis let me sleep in, but within five minutes of waking up to everyone in the bed with me, here's just a sample of what I learned:
Raedan: "DUNE!"
Wystan: "See my mask? I'm a spider or a woodpecker but I like it to be a spider mask better because woodpeckers eat brown beetles in trees and I like them. ACK! WHERE'S MY ANTENNA?"
Asmund: "Mom, this is my super computer. Can you get me a ghost costume? I want to scare people. I'll also need an invisible bungee cord. Or we could just get a visable bungee cord and I will dress like a gentleman and look like I'm coming down from the ceiling. Mom, know what we're learning today? We are learning about Indians! Remember, we're HOMESCHOOLED, so our PARENTS teach us things?"
Where's my coffee?

Asmund: "Mom, look at that bird violation!" 
--Formation. I think.

"Mom, I think you're growing a beard." ranks right up there with "Mom, I think you're going to have another baby soon."

April through June 2015

W: "Hello? Is anybody on this planet?"

Me: "Yes."

W: "I was talking to myself!"

"If you do not get a fish, go fish."

Mrs. E: "You remembered." A: "It's the brain that remembered!"

A: "I am a turtle, and I am free!"

W: "Disappear Man lives on Mercury. He visits Earth when he wants to take humans to Mercury to have dinner with him."

A to me: "Do you want to see my invention? Well, Sally, it's on the rooftop!"

Wystanisms of the day:

"I am a human ladybug. I help ladybugs and I give people ladybugs for pets."

"I am making a evil chicken trap. Evil chickens have lasers that shoot out of their beaks."

"I am an outer space scientist. We must make a metal spaceship and go to Pluto. We will need a human to help us; we will get Bella and Bailee's mom."

The boys are leaving a trail of carrots to lead the rabbit from the yard into our house.

A: "It's the elephant of a prize!"

W: "Do you want to hear a knock knock joke? Ding dong!"

W: "Diarrhea is bad to eat."

W: upside down on the chair: "Why are you upside down?"

Me: "Why are you upside down?"

W: "Because I don't have a body."

Me: "Yes, you do. It's here."

W: "No. This is Disappear Man's body. I took his human body away."

W: "I need money and dollars for my wallet."

A: "I am always awake. I am the smallest sleeper and the biggest waker!"

A, "We are going under cover." (Going under MY covers.)

W, refusing my explanation of skin tabs, "No, this is part of your brain, coming out."

and R, just happy, thankfully, having slept well.

April 20, 2015: Asmund, at six years old, made his first official pun just now! He was helping me cut and saw a dead tree branch apart into smaller pieces, when he said, "Please help me make sure things do not _stick_ out. Get it? _Stick_ out?" YAY! I am so proud of him.

May 4, 2015: Asmund's second pun, when I asked him to hurry with putting his books on the bookshelf: "I'm trying to book it!"

Raedan calls all men "daddy" right now. I just say, loudly, "Yes, babe, that's a MAN." Also, a few weeks ago, on a very crowded sidewalk, Wystan yelled to me, "NO I DON'T HAVE TO PEE! I'M GRABBING MY PENIS BECAUSE IT HURTS BECAUSE I PINCH IT!" Judging from the muffled laughter I'm pretty sure it made several people's night.

Almost as bad as when he told Dennis, "you're not my dad!!" in a public restroom, was wailing "Why don't you feed me!!!???!!!" in the Target parking lot.

Disappear Man helped Tony Stark and Shark Man roll the tires to the back gate because Pepper was too busy nursing Rody.

A: "Mom, the chicks are laying POOP!!!"

Me, "Wow, Asmund, when did you get such strong, big boy legs?"

A, "Well, I'm six and a half, but my heart is already seven, and my legs are strong because of my heart." (Motioning to his arms) "See these great strong muscles? These are from my brain, which is eight."

Me: "Wow, don't these peonies smell good?"

W: "Yes. They smell like superheroes."

Me: "What do superheroes smell like?"

W: "Like whomans. Superheroes ARE whomans." (humans)

A: "But Wyse, some superheroes are aliens!"

W: "Yeah, like Disappear Man, and Basilisk Man, and Me."

Yesterday, while playing, Asmund good naturedly yelled, "Just move, woman!" to a friend. I think it's safe to say that we're in that, picks up phrases without understanding their appropriateness phase.

Asmund, "Mom, I called Raedan nursing 'lipsticking' because he has his lips on that stick thingy."

"Nipple?"

"Yeah, that."

Toddler-think, "Hum, THIS egg cracked when I threw it on the ground, I wonder if this other one will. Or this one. Or this one. Hum, maybe I can get the dog to eat it. Or maybe I should get down on the floor and eat it like the dog. Also, why does mom think it's such a big deal for me to take my diaper off and pee on Asmund?! That was fun!"

A: "I like hot baths, but not too hot to put my heart on fire."

Asmund is post-mod. In the middle of the Modernist paintings, he uses colored pencils to draw-color the exit sign on the wall.

Wystan, at bedtime, "Mom, you know, I love you still, even when I'm mad at you."

Just caught Raedan in the bathroom, soaping and attempting to shave his head with my razor.

The boys were recently at the dentist. After W's appointment, he was shown a prize box to choose a prize from. He asked, "Isn't there any candy?" He also told the dentist he drinks lots of soda. A keeps wiggling his loose teeth. He's excited about the tooth fairy coming. He said, "Maybe the tooth fairy will leave candy, money, or an electric toothbrush! Or maybe all three!"

Asmund wants to lose a tooth so the Tooth Fairy can come. She might leave a girl or a boy.

Uncle Sam created Spider-Robot who could repair himself after all of the Americans died by fire. Now it is only Spider-Robot and his friends: a cyborg, a robot, and, of course, an alien.

Asmund lost his first tooth June 6, 2015.

Wystan just peed in his water. At dinner. It was an "ihperiment".

The kids painted this morning. Asmund spent much longer than he usually does, and when he was done, explained the colors and shape in detail. After expressing my admiration for his work, he nonchalantly said,

"Yes, Mom. All the art I make is good."

When I was six, I had an evil twin named Sally, who did everything bad that I got blamed for. Fast forward 28 years, now Robot Asmund is terrorizing his brother. Evidently he has a Robot side, a Pirate side, a Mean side and a Screech-bird side.

"Wystan, do you want a hat?"

"No. I just want to love you."

Asmund sang "Fifteen men on a dead man's chest. Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum", loudly, the entire time we were in Dillons. Wystan pipped up occasionally with a chorus of "I love bunnies" The cashiers could barely contain themselves.

Asmund showed me a picture of Lego Ghost Rider, and explained, "Ghost Rider has poems and is a man of God. Ghost Rider is a man of God because he kills bad guys to send them to heaven so they know better."

confused_rev emoticon

(We may have had a little talk about what God really wants from us.)

W: "I want Santa to bring me a new toothbrush and a picture of a human like me."

Spring Brings Disappear Man

A: "I can't find my machine so I can build a new one."

W: "Do owls have bones?"

W to A: "Blue (the star turtle) will protect you. Blue will call God."

A: "I'm scared of the dark as a doornail."

Last night, Asmund said to me, "I am behind you. I will give you a 'ssage. Don't look, it will hurt!"

Asmund: "What are we having, sweet Mama?"

A: "My shirt is sticky, gooey, slimey, and, of course, dirty."

A: "I like goats."
Mrs. E: "Give me another sentence."
A: "I super-like goats."

"I'm not worrying about the bugs. I'm angsting about the bugs!"

Dennis, laying with the hotel phone with Raedan, "Hello, hello, is this Grandma?" 

Asmund looks up from his Lego play, "Dad! You know your grandma is dead!" Dennis, fast on his feet, "I was trying to call heaven."
Wystan laughs, "Heaven is not a person, heaven is a robot!"

You try to play with your child, then, "Please stop talking to Spider-Man, he is a Lego." Oh, Wystan.

Wystan, "Mom, what Eskimos are?" 
"Eskimos are a people group who live in the arctic."
"Hum. So they are tigers?"

Naked Wystan: "I want to wear my real PJs. Do you know what they are? My body!"

"What is that bruise?" "It's a going-away ouchie."

"Let's watch another Thomas the train. They bring Raedan's spirits up. Actually, everybody has their own spirit."

I asked the boys, "Do you want to continue listening to the podcast?" Asmund said, "Yeah," and Wystan without missing a beat, "But we don't like it." 

Tonight's most bizarre bedtime question came from Wystan:
"Mom, do girls have bones?"
Asmund answered, "Wystan, everything has bones, except slime."
Good thing tomorrow is library day.

I love what Wystan just said to me: "I think you are still a kid." On good days, I feel it.

Wystan, at dinner, holding a butter knife, "Dad, I want to cut your neck."
Dennis, "Um, no."
Wystan, "Okay."
Kids are creepy.

Asmund uses monitors drawn with chalk to keep an eye on Dr Evazi, the bad guy.

"If I had a magic wand I would make magic stuff. Like pepperoni pizza."

"Shoo, fly, don't bother me. Shoo, fly, don't bother me. Shoo, fly, don't bother me. I have somebody else in me."

Asmund, "Mom, when will you have another baby? Can it be a girl baby? Maybe we can have three girl babies...when we have a girl baby, can we name her Skrillix?"

"If you go through the Valley of Spiders and avoid the traps, you can get coffee." Asmund used yarn to cover his room with yarn traps.

Dennis, 

after Asmund's umpteenth explanation on why he gets to pick a movie, "Huh, you seem to think this is a democracy. Can you say totalitarian dictatorship?"

I just overheard Asmund tell Dennis, "We need to have ten more babies in this family. Then we well always have a lot of friends!" All I can think of is that episode of HIMYM when Lily tells Marshall, "You're writing checks by vagina can't cash!"

From Carrie: I routinely ask the boys to pick one or two toys to donate or trash. This morning Asmund had a better idea, "Mom, how about we not get rid of anything. How about we buy something, then get rid of that."

Asmund, frustrated, yells from his bedroom, "WYSTAN come IN here! I love to have your company!!"

From the back of the van, Wystan says, "I just heard Disappear Man laugh. I didn't know he was here. He's a trickster all the time."

Having a brother who practices western martial arts has influenced my parenting. For example, "Raedan! You should never run at someone with a pole unless you're jousting!"

 

Asmund, eating his beans, "Mom, you are a betterist cook than anyone."

Asmund called the moon "blue cheese ball" for a year, but Wystan's current "buddleyou" (w) and Raedan's "hoffwees" (horsey) tie for first in my book.

"Bats see from their ears with lecho-ocation."

Love that my boys like tea parties. Raedan says, "Want more tea, Mama!" Meanwhile, the big boys skipped seconds in favour of working on the Dinosquad computers. They're trying to catch Dr something-I-can't-make-out, a mutant robber.